Harvard University has announced that university president Claudine Gay will not resign her position because even though shes an untalented, small-minded, plagiarizing, vengeful, and conniving anti-Semite, shes black, so thats okay. Black Miss Gay came under fire after her recent testimony to Congress when she gave the wrong question to the answer, Hey, lets slaughter the Jews, by saying What is freedom of speech? She then chose Toxic Philosophies for 200 when the only category left was 80s Rom Coms, then bet all her winnings on Final Jeopardy and was forced to leave her answer blank when the category turned out to be Useful Information.

Miss Gay, who is black, also became the center of controversy when journalist Chris Rufo revealed that lengthy segments of her PhD Thesis had been copied from other works, like Mein Kampf and The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, thus violating Harvards anti-plagiarism policies.

The Harvard Corporation issued a statement saying, Today we unanimously stand behind black Claudine Gay because she is not only black but also gay or at least named gay, though we have yet to receive fully documented proof of her sexual deviance. Miss Gays black gayness makes her a perfect representative of our DEI policies. She represents Diversity because she believes the same things as everyone else at Harvard while being black and named gay. She represents Equity because she was hired without having a single actual qualification except her black sort-of-gay identity. And she represents Inclusion, because if we didnt include her at Harvard shed be clerking at a Department Store, a job for which shes also unqualified. As for her repeated acts of plagiarism, Harvard has a long-standing policy of punishing such dishonest scholarship severely and we will not be doing that here because she is black and named gay.

Black Miss Gays failure to resign after disgracing herself, her position, her colleagues, her university, her profession, her country, the moral order, and what she herself referred to in her PhD thesis as the mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, has raised certain questions about her job history. For instance, black Gay connived to have Professor Roland Fryer suspended on bogus charges after Fryer published a study proving that black people were not more likely than white people to be shot by police. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

In a statement released to her local chapter of the Louis Farrakhan Glee Club and Merch Store, Miss Gay defended her actions, saying While Professor Fryer was black, he was not named gay, and therefore was lower on the scale of exclusion as demonstrated by this detailed Intersectional Chart which Ive constructed out of Playdough and Utter Nonsense. Black Miss Gay went on to point out that Professor Fryers study also turned out to be true, which suggests that he had held his position through merit, thus further violating the principles of DEI.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, reported on the Harvard controversy in a story headlined, With Probable Soon-to-be-Tyrant Donald Trump acting behind the Scenes, Republicans Pounce on the Fact that Widely Respected Ivy League University Presidents are Absolutely Despicable. The story read in part, Harvards widely respected president is under fire from people who are closely connected to Donald Trump in this paragraph. Trump, who will become a tyrant if re-elected according to the widely respected journalist writing this article, is reported to have chuckled darkly while rubbing his hands in a villainous manner when he learned that Chris Rufo, who was recently seen in the same sentence as Mr. Trump, had unearthed alleged evidence that Claudine Gay, a widely respected black woman named gay, had allegedly committed alleged plagiarism. In doing so, Rufo is widely believed to have violated widely respected core principles of widely respected American journalism by gathering information and reporting it to the public.

The news that black Claudine named gay would not step down ended the universitys search for a replacement. Harvard had been considering Nick Fuentes for the presidency but ultimately decided that, while Fuentes does hate Jews and has no real-world accomplishments, hed once been seen with Donald Trump and was therefore unacceptable.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death , is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.